It is a lonely world.
I’ve come to stumbling through it recklessly, open bare to damage of any sort. Crossing the street without looking, walking alone late at night, burning down my lungs, loving. I want to be seven again, when my minds joy wasn’t weighted by the disregard of others. Nature held me.
I do not know why I end up alone. I have very much to give, so much I want to give. What is it that I do wrong? I am clinging to my own sense of value but I am discouraged. Now it has been so long since anyone has wanted to call me their girlfriend. So long since I have been worth it. So long since I have been much more than temporary, a distraction, or a casual fuck. Is there something about me that keeps them from pulling me close, wanting to kiss me, wanting to adventure or explore with me? I try to be gentle and kind and friendly and interesting - but I am closer to invisible, and gestures of affection and intention are ignored day after day. I see the gentleness and attention others give to those they love and I miss that and feel unworthy.
I am trying to focus on myself and not be fixated. I am just lonely and bruised up by being left hanging in silence over and over. By being the rebound or the friend with benefits. How can I believe when i’m telling myself that I am important if when I lay out so much of myself at the mercy of one I adore, they don’t care to even talk to me?
Am I truly insatiable? Some pitiable hole of need? I want to fix this. I don’t want to live like this. I want a reflecting surface, a sounding board, a quest companion. I want to share life and light and fascination.
Most of this is becoming questions, but I guess that makes sense. I am discouraged. I am fighting very hard, but suicidal thoughts come with an ache over and over. I keep thinking that maybe I have distanced elm enough now that I can die without hurting him too much. I think most people are distant enough, I am quite lonely even though I am trying so hard to be around others.
I feel so silly for all this, but I need to spill and think it through and sort and i’m trying to understand what I am feeling and what is true and real. I am going to start trying to write things out